I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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