it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
