I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
