Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
It was confusing and full of hummus
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
