she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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