let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
