So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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