what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
