You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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