I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
