If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
