I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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