my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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