Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
So. Much. Porn.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize