I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
