I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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