I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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