i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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