He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
