I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
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