The maid of honor just puked.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
