I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
