Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
