He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
