Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
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