i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Two words: blizzard sex
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize