On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
