Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
