I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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