I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
