i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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