Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
