This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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