Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
