My Higher Power is John Stamos
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
