Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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