I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
There's always time for handjobs
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
