It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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