so explain again why im purple
no
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
