Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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