I could have mohawked her pubes.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
