: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
