just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I think my moral compass just broke
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
