the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
this hospital has no fireball
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
