i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
