When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
