i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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