I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
you didnt know i had herpes?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize