After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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