$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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