he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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