my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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