I'm so fucking centered right now
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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