Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize