i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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