You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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