There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
