She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
