I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize