Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
