in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
