she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
