fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
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