so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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