Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
so much tequila, so little girl.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
